Tough love vs. Compassion with detachment

Hakuna Matata - Lion King

I don’t feel like tough love and detached compassion are interchangeable phrases. Firstly, I don’t think “displaying compassion by emotionally neglecting someone” (Dana’s DB) is what you can call tough love—it has the tough part, but not the love. As the Oxford English Dictionary defines it, tough love is “protection of a person's welfare (esp. that of a child, addict, or criminal) by enforcing certain constraints on him or her, or requiring him or her to take responsibility for his or her actions; behavior which, though seemingly harsh or unyielding, is intended for the ultimate benefit of the recipient.” The most important aspect of tough love is the motivation: the “seemingly harsh” actions are for the benefit of the recipient. It is love because even though the recipient may not see it, it does some good for them; it is with good intention. In all that is done, there is the underlying foundation of love. Personal example—and I’m sure we’ve all been treated with tough love by our parents: if my parents had bought me every toy that I ever wanted and threw a tantrum for as a child, and whatever else I’ve wanted the last few years, I would be a rather spoiled, selfish and ignorant bitch. I would always get upset with them –feel a little unloved—but it would be okay, because I somewhere deep, deep inside, I knew they were doing what they thought was best for me. They’d still feed me, clothe me, and take care of me— all actions by which we try to show love. Parenting is all about tough love.

As for our friend Sid, he was lacking a little in that department. Indeed it was the first time he ever “suffered for the sake of another person, loved another person, lost himself to a love and became a fool of love” (Hesse 114). That is a hard place to start off as a parent. He didn’t really know him, but he had “this blind love for his son” (Hesse 114) and like many parents, was willing to undergo any amount of suffering for the happiness of this child. Siddhartha was giving his son unconditional love in every situation, when what Sid jr. could have used some tough love.

Also, Siddhartha’s situation when he experienced the deep love for his son and “preferred the suffering and worries of love over happiness without the boy” (Hesse 110), is an example of love/compassion WITH attachment –without detachment. His emotions were dependant on how his son was doing. He hurt when his son spoke malicious words against him, suffered when his son refused to understand and be disciplined. His emotions were ATTACHED to his son.

Though the situation of Siddhartha’s love for his son is an example of both unconditional love and compassion with attachment, those two phrases are not synonymous. Thus their opposites, tough love and detached compassion are not equivalent either. I’ve already talked about tough love, but I also feel compassion with detachment is not at all what it is has been portrayed as—empty compassion. The quote “he was completely concentrated on listening, completely empty” (Hesse 126) does not imply that Siddhartha had an emptiness in his compassion. It is simply saying that Sid had emptied his mind of his own stream of thoughts and would thus be able to listen with full attentiveness, not being constantly distracted by his thoughts and ideas. Also, detached compassion does not mean not helping someone out when they are in need or not being caring or considerate. Detachment, as I have been taught over the years, is not being overly emotionally attached. I know that sounds like exactly opposite the point I am trying to make, but hear me out. Yes, care. Yes, give it your all. Yes, be compassionate. But if what you are doing goes wrong, don’t beat yourself up over. Don’t refuse to eat for a week. Go on with life, and understand that this is the way of the world. On the other hand, if it goes very well, don’t let it go to your head. Don’t be arrogant and look down upon others. At temple, they tell us to solely focus on the path of dharma—all you need to worry about is doing the right thing. You need not be attached to/worry about “the fruits of your actions”; however you have acted, the results will follow sooner or later. Basically, detachment means not being on an emotional rollercoaster.

That detachment in compassion is especially hard to achieve. The fine line can easily be crossed and then it turns into coldness and a seeming lack of compassion. When I try to be detached, it many times turns into me not caring enough, or me convincing myself that I don’t care, but in actuality caring a whole lot and then being devastated. Hoping to go into psychotherapy, (which I feel works wonders if done well) it is especially crucial to listen and be compassionate; myself is all I have to offer—I can’t just prescribe a medicine and snap my fingers to make everything better. It requires a lot of work, yet I can’t be so attached as to want to take every patient into my home and work with them all day, every day. It is okay to care a lot and be upset when bad things happen, but one can’t obsess over it. Hopefully going through life will teach me to accept the ways of the world.